Revealing the awkwardness that is me….
I have been told my entire life that I am shy. To be honest, even I thought I would grow out of it. I thought that if I just moved away and got a fresh start I could be someone else…the someone else I’ve always wanted to be. But the truth is, being shy is definitely PART of who I am. I’m starting to embrace it, but at the same time allowing myself to stretch and grow. This is my way of embracing my shyness and letting everyone know what being shy means to me.
So, without further ado, here are my 15 “Confessions of a Shy Girl”:
1. I know that I’m weird, and I’m not ready to show it.
Don’t tell me that I’m not weird, because you just don’t know.
2. I want to be seen and known, so I find other ways to stand out in a crowd (dress, piercings, etc.)
I’m not always reserved because I’m hiding something. Sometimes, I want to stand out, just not by being loud our out-spoken. I want people to look at me and think, “She looks interesting…I’ll go introduce myself to her.”
3. I’m afraid people won’t get me.
I hide certain aspects of myself, because I’m afraid you won’t get it (or like it). I don’t let everyone know what kind of music I listen to, or what kinds of movies I like to watch. I don’t share all of my struggles with just anyone, because it takes the right kind of person to understand and not judge me.
4. I’m not stuck up– I’m scared. I like you, but I don’t know how to show you.
I meet a lot of people who interest me, but I don’t want to come on too strong. This often makes it so I don’t say or do anything, and I just hope and pray that you find me interesting too and make the first move.
5. I want to be more outgoing.
When I look around a room and see everyone conversing and having fun, I want to join in. It looks like a lot of fun to just let your guard down. I wish I could automatically do that, but it takes me a long time to get to that point with people.
6. I give myself a pep talk before social gatherings, hoping I can be more outgoing. When it doesn’t work, I can stay mad at myself for days.
I’m that girl who talks to herself in the mirror. Embarrassing, I know. I talk myself through conversation starters, and I imagine myself being bold and walking up to people to talk to them. I imagine everything going the way I want it to, and then get really frustrated when it isn’t happening. (Sometimes this is why I appear to be sulking in the corner. It’s because I am.)
7. I want to talk to you, but when it comes down to it, I can’t get myself to move.
I see you over there, I’m just pretending that I don’t. I’m hoping that you will reach out to me, because today… I just can’t.
8. I relive my past conversations, rethinking everything I said.
Oh, man. This is ALL THE TIME. I know when I’m doing this that it isn’t healthy, but I can’t always turn my brain off. I know that I shouldn’t dwell on the past, but it’s definitely my tendency.
9. I’m on my phone all the time so I look busy instead of awkward.
I realized this just yesterday when I was sitting in the hallway waiting with the other parents while our daughters were in dance class. I immediately got my phone out, frustrated that I didn’t have more Facebook notifications from people I care about. I quickly found some dumb game to play on my phone so I didn’t have to make eye contact with anyone. Every once in a while, I would awkwardly look up and smile and nod at something a parent was saying. I wanted to be part of the conversation, but I just couldn’t!
10. I’m not usually holding back; I just don’t know what to say.
Usually, if I’m not inserting myself into a conversation or discussion, it’s because words aren’t coming to me or I’m just enjoying listening.
11. When I am holding back, I want to say so many things, but I just don’t know how. I often blurt things out in an awkward or rude way just to make myself say something.
If you have ever been around me when I suddenly say something out of nowhere and it comes out negative or judgmental, this is why. I made myself say something, and that never goes well. I mean to say, “What if we tried this instead?”, but it comes out, “Why are we doing it like this? It doesn’t make any sense.”
12. Just the thought of talking on the phone gives me anxiety. I fear I won’t say the right things and I won’t be able to read your reaction. And what if I don’t know how to end the conversation?!
It’s terrifying for me to talk on the phone (or to a drive-through speaker- ha!), because I can’t see the person’s face! They might be rolling their eyes at me, and I would never know…Also, I usually don’t answer my phone unless it is my husband calling, because I have been known to get stuck on a phone call for hours.
13. When I’m in a large group, I feel like I slowly fade into the background until people no longer remember that I exist.
No joke, this happens to me a lot. I’m just on the outside of a conversation, it starts to feel like I’m listening in on someone else’s conversation, and I walk away to find someone else to talk to. I find that everyone is in the middle of talking about something that I know nothing about. I decide to get more food, or get out my phone, only to realize that no one is noticing me anymore. Sometimes I have literally left the gathering without anyone noticing.
14. Sometimes when I’m really nervous in a conversation, I actually talk too much.
Just ask my husband. On our first date at Caribou Coffee, I don’t know if I gave him the chance to say A SINGLE WORD. Somehow, he still liked me.
15. I’m not shy in every situation. Some situations and people bring out the best in me.
I’ve learned that certain people and situations make it easier for me to open up. Some people just get me, so they make me feel comfortable. These people are few and far between, so when I find someone like this, I hold on. 😉
I’ve had some people tell me that they don’t think I am shy at all, and this is why. For instance, I’ve found that I do better in social situations when I am prepared. This is why I like to lead small group discussions. I feel way more comfortable in a leadership role than as a group member. I know what we are going to talk about ahead of time, and that puts me at ease.
I feel like I just let all of my crazy out, but hopefully you don’t mind.